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| I shall be adding to this page as I find more,
and ask the reader to
send me potential contributions to be added here. I will try to keep them as clean
as possible, so that everyone might enjoy them.
Please send submissions to: Peso. Thanks!
|A minister was the proud owner of a parrot, but he began to worry when the bird seemed to pray excessively. He tried buying toys and treats, but still the parrot sat in her cage, praying. The minister finally asked one of his flock, a veterinarian, what he should do. The man took a look at the parrot and said, "I think you need to get her a friend." So, that's what the minister did; he found an eligible male and asked to borrow him for a while. He brought him home and placed him in his parrot's cage. The male parrot tried to get the female's attention - first by making sounds - she kept praying; then by rubbing his wing against her - and still she sat there, praying. He finally said to her, "Well, do you want to get together or not?" Whereupon the female turns to him and replies, "So, what do you think I've been praying for all this time?"|
| A farmer buys
a pair of bonded parrots. He puts them in his living room in a larger cage and
notices that the male parrot immediately makes untoward advances to the hen. After
a few hours the hen is dead and the farmer, disgusted with this turn of events
throws out the male. A few hours later the farmer sees the parrot at it again.
He thinks, "I had better do something about that parrot", but when he
returns with his shotgun - there are dead chickens everywhere and no parrot to
be seen. The next day, after finding several wild birds also dead, the farmer
sets out to find this parrot. He comes upon him lying on the ground with his feet
in the air. "So you finally did yourself in, huh?!?!" to which the parrot,
pointing to the buzzards circling overhead and winking laciviously replies, "shhhhhhhhh".
contributed by email@example.com
| There was a man
who wanted an unusual holiday gift for his wife so he went into a pet store. Owner
tells him "Got just the thing...Chet the singing parrot!" Guy wanted
to see him so the owner brings out this big beautiful parrot (I like to think
he's a grey). "Gimme your lighter," the owner tells him, "I gotta
get him warmed up."
He takes the lighter and holds it under Chet's right wing, and Chet begins to sing, "The first Noel..." Holds lighter under left wing and Chet starts singing, "O little town of Bethlehem..."
"He's great!" shouts the man. "I'll take him!"
The man rushes home with Chet and bursts into the house. He proceeds to tell his wife that he has a Christmas present for her but has to give it to her early. He takes Chet out of the box and says to his wife, "watch this," and holds Chet's right wing over the candle on the table. Chet begins singing, "Deck the halls with boughs of holly..." He hold's Chet's left wing over the candle and Chet sings, "Jingle bells, jingle bells..."
"That's amazing," cries the man's wife. "Let me try!"
She proceeds to grab Chet around the mid-section and holds him over the candle. Chet begins singing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
contributed by firstname.lastname@example.org
burglar broke into a house in a well-to-do neighborhood. Armed with his trusty
maglite and tools he entered the sitting room and began to look around for valuables.
Suddenly a voice from the darkness said,
"Jesus is watching you."
Alarmed he shut off his light and stood still for a few minutes. Thinking it was only a fluke he turned on his maglite and began shining it around the room again. "Jesus is REALLY watching you", said the voice.
Off went the light. Feeling brave our burglar once again turned on the light and swept the room with it. He saw a parrot and it said, "Jesus is watching you."
"Hey, you're a parrot!"
"Yes, I am."
"You talk pretty good!"
"I should, I'm over 50 years old."
"What's your name?"
"Henry? That's an odd name for a parrot!"
"You think that's weird, how about 'Jesus' for a rottweiler?"
contributed by email@example.com
wealthy guy decides to buy a real expensive parrot for his mom who lives alone.
So he spends $15,000 on an exotic bird that speaks three languages and he has
it sent to his mom in Florida. He phones her a few days later and says, "Mom,
how did you like the bird?" and she says "Oh,thanks for sending it,
it was delicious!"
He says "YOU ATE THE BIRD??? Mom, how could you?!?!? It was a very rare bird, it cost $15000, and it spoke three languages!"
and the mom replies... "So why didn't it say something?"
contributed by firstname.lastname@example.org
woman approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have
these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest asked.
"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are bad. Do you want to #@*&$?'"
"That's terrible!" the priest exlaimed. "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."
"Thank you," says the lady.
So the next day the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we are bad. Do you want to #@*&$?"
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, "PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!"
contributed by email@example.com - thanx!
man had a parrot that continuely swore, and was really nasty. He was getting
tired of trying everything he could, and finally in exasperation he threw the
bird in a dark cupboard. When he left him out the bird swore, "#&^$%^&
did you do that for? I'm NOT going to put up with that again you ^#$*%!"
The man grew even more angry, and threw the bird in the oven and left him there for a time. When he took him out the bird was nastier than ever. "Why you #^%($%#$$, I'll really bite you for this one! Don't you ever #%^&$% that to me again!"
The man had really had it and threw the bird in the freezer. After about 5-10 minutes he opened the freezer door and the bird stood there shivering. "Hello, I'm terribly sorry for all those things that I said. I would be ever so grateful if I could come out now please."
The man was very pleased, and as he went to pick up the bird from the freezer, the bird turned around and pointed to a frozen chicken, and said, "By the way, what did the stiff do?"
contributed by PurplWings@aol.com
| A guy gets on
an airplane and is seated across the aisle from a parrot. After take-off, the
guy politely asks the stewardess for a drink. At the same time, the parrot says
"hey lady, get me a drink
and get it NOW!". The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot's
drink, but forgets to bring the guy's drink. So again, the guy politely asks
for a drink. The stewardess turns to get the drink but as she walks down the
aisle the parrot yells "hey lady, I want some peanuts and I want them RIGHT
NOW!". The flustered stewardess returns a few minutes later with the peanuts,
but once again forgets the guy's drink. Finally the guy looks at the stewardess
and shouts "BRING ME A BLEEPIN' DRINK ON THE DOUBLE!!!". The stewardess
runs down the aisle, and a few minutes later two big burly guys come up the
aisle, grab the guy and the parrot and toss them both out the back door of the
plane. As the guy begins to plummet to the ground, the parrot turns to him and
says "Pretty mouthy for someone who can't fly, aren't ya?"
contributed by Kathy
| A magician was
working in the
lounge on a cruise ship, and every night, the
captain of the ship
would come in with his pet parrot and watch the act. The parrot seemed
by the magician's tricks and started watching them very closely.
One night the magician took the stage and announced, "Tonight, ladies and
gentlemen, I will saw
this lovely woman in half right before your eyes!"
"*Craaawk!*", said the parrot, "It's a fake! *whistle* he's got fake legs coming out the other side of the box!" The crowd roared, and the magician was less than amused. "OK then, I will do a different trick", announced the magician, "Pick a card, madam, and I will tell you which card you have chosen."
"*Craaawk*! They're all the same cards!" answered the parrot! This heckling continued for several weeks, and was completely ruining the magician's act, and needless to say, the magician grew to hate this bird, but he couldn't harm it, since it was the captain's pet.
One night after a particularly bad show, the magician was walking on the upper deck of the ship when a huge explosion ripped through the bottom decks of the ship. The magician jumped into a lifeboat and dropped to safety. As he watched the ship sink, the captain's parrot flew out from the ship and landed in his lifeboat. Several days passed without a word between the magician and the parrot, the magician just glared at the bird, and the bird just kept looking in the direction of the sunken ship. Finally, the parrot broke down...
"*Craaawk!* OK, Mate! What did you do with the ship!!??"